I made the poor choice of deciding to re-watch Grey's Anatomy. I finished the current season on Netflix a couple weeks (possibly months) ago. Time for me really just blends after a while, thanks to my job. Needless to say, I love the show. The characters are relatable, the problems are captivating, the surgeries are something I would never try at home unless I was super drunk and it was a life and death situation. So naturally, I'm sucked in. If you haven't ever seen Grey's Anatomy, you have saved yourself the emotional agony of having to watch Meredith and Derek's relationship unfold. They give me the type of unrealistic relationship hope and goals that just does not exist. Actually, it very well may exist. However for me, I have yet to personally experience it.
At the core, I am a hopeless romantic but on the outside, I am a sarcastic hard headed chick. That combination is lethal, let me tell you. Overly cheesy gestures make me want to vom but then I watch pretty much anything remotely related to people not sucking and I end up crying. So, you can only imagine the daily battle I put myself through. The walls I have up have been built up brick by brick over the years. I know I wasn't always like this. In fact, I distinctly remember a time that I wasn't so cynical towards the idea of love and happy endings. I remember thinking that love was the answer to everything. It is, just not always in the way we think. I have always wanted an electric love, ever since I can remember. When I was younger, I married a guy down the street about 15 times. I would stand in my Little Mermaid nightgown at my bedroom window, secretly hoping that I would see him riding his motorized kid's Jeep up the street to tell me...something. What? I have no idea. I absolutely blame Disney for this unrealistic hope, purely because I had yet to see the movie "Say Anything". In fact, I have yet to see it. I just know that that radio scene is iconic. As I get older, I see all of these love birds all around me. Everywhere I turn, someone is being coupled up with someone, becoming engaged, tying the knot, punching out a kid...great. Honestly, so happy for all of you. However, I'm also super cynical about it. I literally want to jump for joy and give those people a hug and then go take a nap so I can wallow in my self pity. Just for a second. Almost like a moment of silence so I can get the eff over it. You see, I have met some amazing people. I have dated some great people who were just not great for me. Before anyone's ego gets blown up, this is about no one in particular. Not past boyfriends, not past flings, not past dates. This is a generalization about well, everything. They say that each person plays a roll in your life. At this rate, I could film the next Lord of the Rings style movie with the amount of "cast members" I have had in my life. Those cast members include friends and family too so don't automatically assume this is a post directly related to dating, although that's a big chunk of it. There's a poem called "A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime" where it basically says that people will come into your life for each one of those key points. Additionally, each person you run into no matter how small will teach you something. Whether it's about love, life, friendship, or simply learning how not to play bumper cars with the person in traffic that's driving you insane...you learn something from everyone, even if you don't think you do. I have had my fair share of friendships that have been great and then they disintegrated. Such is life. That's what happens, people outgrow each other. I've done it with friends, boyfriends, even family members. Sometimes people are just meant to play a supporting role and not be the leading actor. So, the dating thing. Why do we do it? To find our other leading actor because obviously we are the leading actor in our life's movie. We're all fabulous, of course we're the star. That's the point though, we want someone else to think that we're the star. I don't think it's to much to not want to settle for someone who doesn't think the sun shines out of your ass. We all want someone who adores us. I have people who adore me, they're just people who I don't want to sleep with. Particularly because those guys who adore me, also want to sleep with guys too. You can call me jaded, and that very well may be true. Honestly though, a person can only take so much. I have tried the casual side of dating and it just is not my thing. Sure, it was fun for like four seconds until my hopeless romantic side kicked in. Everyone says that when you stop looking, that's when you'll find "it". Whatever "it" is. Here's the thing though: If I were to completely stop looking, I would need a guy to scale the side of my apartment while I was busy watching Netflix and ask me on a date. That, or ask me out on one of my flights. Both options are highly unlikely. So, people like me revert to dating apps like Bumble and Tinder, although Tinder is where dreams go to die and STD's go to thrive. The hard part about those apps is that you have everyone and their brother (sometimes literally) on there. We live in an era where you have to play games the right way. You can't give out too much information for fear of coming on too strong but you can't withhold too much information for fear of looking cold and guarded. So, where's the balance. Why has no one said "fuck it" and just been straight up from the get go. I'll tell you why: Because people are easily scared. People are scared by other people who know what they want but the thing is, that's the only way to actually get what you want. Meredith knew from day one what she wanted: Derek. Derek thought he knew what he wanted: Meredith? Until his distant wife comes into the picture and throws a wrench in his plans. Now he's torn between who he should love and who he actually loves. During the entire show, we are brought along the heart wrenching journey of love gained and love lost. Through all of the heartache and pain, Meredith secretly never loses hope that love is out there. She learns that friends are there to love you when who you think you want to love you, can't or doesn't. She also learns that despite the awful amounts of heartache that she has felt (girl, I so feel you on this) there is still hope. Everyone's ass shines and somewhere out there, there is someone who agrees. Although I have lost track of the amount of tears I have cried for possible loves lost, I refuse to lose hope. Of course I have my "I'm going to become a cat lady even though I'm allergic to cats" moments but in the end, my hopeless romantic side kicks in. My "Meredith" side, if you will. Life is tough and love is tougher. I have yet to find it (thought I did but it was a false alarm) but it will happen...eventually. I want the guy I end up with to be able to supply me with that electric love that I have always strived for. The guy that ignites the best side of me, shows me the icky side of me that makes me want to be better, restores my faith in the things I thought were lost, and loves me through it all. Maybe it's like Carrie Bradshaw said "Maybe our (girl)friends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with". Until that "when you stop looking" moment comes along for me, I'll be busy hanging with my soulmates. Also, can we just take note of how many pop culture references I have made in this post? I feel like I should get some sort of award for that...
2 Comments
Flyboy85
9/11/2016 07:39:47 am
Well said ❤️🙌🏼👏🏼
Reply
Wendi
9/14/2016 09:15:28 pm
Yes you are the woman Nicholas Sparks characters are made of that's for sure! Romance is your strength
Reply
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